Goodbye, Medium.
Announcing my new adventure.
Friends,
It’s your favorite clapper’s favorite clapper, Farooq, here to say goodbye to all of you. I’m retiring from clapping, reading, recommending, writing, gainful self-employment, all the things! It’s been a wild ride, but I think it’s time for me to move on to bigger and better things.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “But Square-Rooq*, how could you possibly leave the world of Medium? You’re addicted! You’ve got nothing else to live for! You’re Rooqabye Baby…well, you’re Rooqstar!” And believe me, I get it. Not only have those disastrous nicknames never been used, it’s not easy to say goodbye to all of you. But sometimes, you just have to move on, you know?
And that’s where my big announcement comes in. You see, I recently won the grand prize in a global contest. That’s right, I’m talking about the golden ticket which qualifies me to become the unpaid intern for Elon Musk. I mean, how could I possibly turn down an opportunity like that? Who do I look like?
Starting today, April 1st, 2023, I’ll be taking on my new official job title as Sicko Sycophant.
That’s right, I’ll be sucking up to Elon Musk like there’s no tomorrow, and there may not be! And let me tell you, it’s going to be great. I mean, who needs a paycheck when you can just bask in the nearly-human musk of Musk?
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “But Rooqbeer, don’t you have any self-respect? Don’t you have any dignity?” And to that, I say, have you met me? Joke’s on you! I’m (apparently) Rooqbeer, I haven’t had self-respect or dignity in years!
All kidding aside, I am excited for this new opportunity. I mean, who wouldn’t want to work for Elon Musk? The man is edgy! The man is zesty! The man has half as many kids as Nick Cannon! The man is an exclusively — key word exclusively — self-styled genius! The man has vision (in that he is not legally blind)! The man has got major emerald money! And I can’t wait to be his Sicko Sycophant.
Consider the deal I’m getting! *I* get to pay *HIM* for the honor of having a blue badge for a year, for only *1* blueface ($100)! And I don’t even have to mine the emeralds, that’s for generations of poor South African orphans nobody cares about (except maybe what’s-his-name? Mumbly Joe? Scorsese’s lackey? This guy… what a dweeb!). I’d be stupid not to!
So, as your new social better, to all of you lessers out there, I want to say thank you for all of your support over the years. It’s been a wild ride, and I couldn’t have done it without you. But now, it’s time for me to move on to bigger and better things. Who knows, maybe I’ll even become the next Elon Musk.
Maybe I’ll fudge an Ivy League background, baffle the boards of five formerly successful companies, and run them all into a dystopian nightmare hellscape teeming with rock-eating, cave-dwelling guttersnipes (sorry, I was reading the tourism board of New Jersey’s latest brochure for a second there…) like Big Boss Man himself. Or maybe I’ll just be his Sicko Sycophant forever. Either way, it’s going to be great. And to celebrate, I’ll even have a scorching skillet (who needs a slice, you unwashed Luddites!) of Chicago deep-dish, which is not only actual pizza, but totally not an above-ground marinara swimming pool for rats!
Goodbye for now. It’s been real, but now it’s time for me to go to the other blue place, and figure out this whole orientation with my two direct reports: Ligma/Johnson. See you on the other side.
Sincerely,
Farooq Zafar, April’s Fool,
past Z-list Medium writer,
present Sicko Sycophant
*N.B.: as you no doubt read in this letter, the nicknames only get worse. Other all-time sobriquets include, but are not limited, to: Pharaoh Q (underground rapper alias and occasional alter ego), Funkmaster Fatwa, Fareeqy Zeeqy, and Also Known As.
